Saturday, September 10, 2011

Can you hear me now?

Okay, I am going to try very hard not to turn this post into a hormonal rant, because I did that a few days ago while writing a post, and WHOA buddy, it was literally borderline evil. Talking about finally having a guy with a penis that works among other various man-bashing statements, but honestly, if I spoke out with that much brutality Im sure I would never hear the end of it from a few people out there I know. SO, gonna take a deep breath and eat a few chocolate cookies so Im not just psycho-bitchy mama here. :)

What I would like to talk about today though, is people not taking the time to rememeber that you exist. I really honestly dont know what happened after my divorce.. I mean, your husband decides to stop loving you and all of the sudden all the friends ( with the exception of two or three AMAZING ones) decide they are going to blissfully turn their backs and decide to act like you never existed. If these people were trying to "punish" me for not living up to the perfect standard they had set, then It worked. Im still stinging from that one. Not only did I have the rug torn out from under me in the worst possible way, but for the most part every single person that was there, and KNEW how much pain I was in during my marriage, turned their back. I tried to be understanding or ignorant of the situation for a long while, but now all I want to say, is karma is a B*tch suckas. Oh yeah, you know that eventually its going to turn around on ya, thats why whenever you see me or hear about me you act like your ashamed. Its very deserved though, and for the first time ever, I wont be handing any more sympathy out. Sorry. ( not really. Bitches.).

And the other thing thats been bugging me, the people who think I should just shut up and be over things. Easy for you to say when you have NO idea how much hurt I went through, and how drastically my life changed in the matter of just a few days. Its not like Im still mourning getting that loser I was married to out of my life, because a girl can only be lied to and munipulated so much before what you deal with just turns pathetic. But it hasent even been a year... you tried to make me feel guilty for still crying not even a month into it, thats a bit harsh. See, theres this thing, called empathy. Look it up.

Now, I know that I have so much more to look forward to in the future, but I cant help but feel like Im starting my entire life over again from scratch. And thats scary! I mean, to have gone through all I have in my life, Id either HAVE to be a tough broad, or a complete basket case, and seeing as the nice men with the pretty white coat havent carried me off yet, I have to have some sort of a backbone working for me, But jeezzzzzz. Im a 22 year old divorced, unmarried pregnant woman who is still trying to figure all the details out for taking care of herself in the short ammount of time i have until my child comes. Holy crap. Its insane, and for the most part, Im currently doing most of this alone. So, people, if you see someone having a hard time, or struggling a little, cut them a little slack! One of these days its going to be you in pain, and I gurantee you, the one or two people who stand beside you, will truly be the ones you bring you back to life. Just remember that.

Monday, August 29, 2011

What a beautiful concept(ion)

Let me start off by saying, this baby was, for SURE a giant surprise. Among all the jumbled mess of doctors appointments, and bad news, and confusion and genuinely trying to practice safe sex, some how this baby just decided to beat all the odds and exist despite what every one else thought was possible!
 I am so blessed that somewhere along the line, I did something good enough to deserve realizing my biggest dream. Becoming a biological mother to a baby that I get to carry and hold from the very begining.
 Now, I will admit that my timing is really not the best of the best right now. Its not like I was trying to conceive, and although Im ecstatic , I am also a little un-prepared and basically, scared shit-less. This wasent exactly how my perfect plan was supposed to go, ya know. But then again, what else in my life has gone according to any plan? Why should I expect my child to differ from what has become a crazy random routine?

The one thing that does dissapoint me though, is the lack of support I seem to be getting from those I believed were closest to me. I guess I always thought that, no matter what, a baby is the worlds biggest blessing. And just because my timing is off, there is no reason to believe I will be a bad mom. I already view myself as a mom, I love and cherish my boyfriends kids as if they are my own, and I would do anything in my power to make their life as happy and complete as I possibly can. And the very SECOND I conceived, I became a MOM. And the minute I found out I was pregnant, my whole goal in life has shifted to providing love and care for my baby, and all the children that will be a large part of my life.

 I know for a fact that this baby was sent to me for a specific reason, and that I am meant to protect and love him or her to the best of my human ability. And all the people who doubt me or have no faith in that fact, sit back and relax. I will be proving you wrong, and my children will end up as happy as possible. I guarantee it.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

If I hear one more man tell me that Im his dream girl, Im going to kick him in the nuts and shave my head bald.

If there is one thing I have learned in the short time Ive been dating ( and subsiquently marrying and divorcing ) guys, its that the ones that were attracted to me had impossible stardards for me to try and meet. I was always the "dream woman" and I basically killed myself trying to fill the proverbial twelve inch stillettos they laid in front of me.
You have the guys that want you to be their trophy, and the ones who want you to be their mommy-replacement. Oh, and my personal fav, the ones that need YOU to basically be the man in the relationship, make all the decisions and tell them every move they are supposed to make. All while cooking and cleaning and staying thin, and keeping your opinions to yourself and basically molding yourself to this image of perfection they have in their heads.
 Then comes the boom. The few extra pounds you pack on after a life shattering event, followed by the ups and downs that coordinate with being told your not good enough, smart enough, sweet enough, or sexy enough to be worth any time.  How wonderful of another human being to treat you like that after lying with every other word they said to you right?
 But you know you do what you follow that up with? You lay on the ground gasping for air like you did when you were a kid and fell out of a tree or something, and it knocks the air out of you and you feel like your dying a bit. Then,  you let yourself feel the pain, thats so intense it feels like your heart is being tazed  and poked repeatedly with a red hot cattle prod, then you stand up, and you find the strength to walk away.
 It takes more strength to walk away from a munipulative relationship then it does to stay and pretend everything is okay.
But I think the deepest measure of strength is to raise up the good 'ol one finger salute to all the people who try to pidgeon hole you into any kind of stereotype. I am not perfect, and I am not a dream girl. I can not live up to the fantasy you created in your head when you were home alone and bored, but I can promise you that I will always, from this point on, be myself. And that, my friend, is the best your gonna get. :)

So, thats a small glimpse into my past. Now, I sit here a 22 year old divorcee, with a wonderful new boyfriend who loves me more then I thought a guy could. My life is a little topsy turvy, and Im eleven weeks pregnant ( which is a whole other blog post) but Im at peace with it all. I know its going to be a rough road, but the glory of being pounded on again and again, is that it leaves your skin a hell of a lot tougher then it was before. So, yeah, I can handle this, and all the haters are doing is giving me the determination to prove it. :)